Due to an internship opportunity, I moved to São Paulo in the beginning of August. After years studying data protection and privacy, I was finally given the opportunity to work in the field.
I was ecstatic.
It’d been a tiring year of Law school and I welcomed the change as I started writing my undergrad paper.
So I threw everything inside a 23kg suitcase and invaded my brother’s living room, as he already lived here.
4 months in and I still feel rather displaced.
The other day I saw a comic by Poorly Drawn Lines that seemed like a quite accurate depiction of what I’d been thinking about São Paulo:
It’s funny, because the last time I came to São Paulo as a tourist I fiercely wished to be able to move here this year. And now I spent a great amount of energy trying to survive in here.
It’s been a good change, though.
Anyway.
I was very far from being the smartest person in my university – or in my class – but as I searched for professionals to look up to career wise, I hit a wall.
I got restless – as I often do, if you’ve kept up with my writings and tweets in the last 10 years. Therefore, the answer was to move.
Fact is – not only was I feeling claustrophobic career wise, I was also feeling anxious and trapped because of a relationship I was in. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t bring myself to want it any more. I tried, I talked to the person, I tried convincing myself.
All it did was hurt me, put me in dangerous situations and it was also unfair to the other party involved – to be with someone who had to put so much effort into wanting to be in that relationship. I wanted out. I wanted out in a way I’d never wanted before – I wanted miles of distance of “out” so I wouldn’t trick myself into going back and staying, “because it’s safe”.
There is pain in missing home, my mum and my pets. There is pain in feeling displaced in such a big city. A concrete jungle with expensive shops and restaurants and little time or money to explore them. Lonely because my teammates are older than I am, or they live super far away, or because they’re from backgrounds so different its hard to find a common ground.
It’s been rather hard to make friends.
There is, however, a peace of mind, a feeling of bliss and gratefulness, as well. Peace of mind for getting out, grateful for knowing I’ve got all these opportunities I get to explore as a little nobody, without being under much scrutiny.
A tiny update:
Since arriving, I couldn’t shake away the anxiety of wondering whether I’d stay for long in SP or not. Not knowing if I was going to pack everything and move again after my 6-month contract ended restrained me, how I acted towards people I’d just met and whatnots.
I’m not a big fan of lingering. In the back of my mind, I kept running through possibilities and places to go to after those 6 months.
However, I’m happy to announce that not only have I been offered a long term contract at a data protection office here – but I’ve also accepted it. Before my 6 months were due.
I think I’m ready to put myself at ease for a little while now and explore this city properly. Its good restaurants and cozy little cafés. The waterfalls and beaches nearby. And, most importantly, opening my heart to new people, embracing my freedom – freedom to be happy, freedom to be sad. Just like dad wrote.
