2017’s tl;dr: best and most challenging year of my life, which simply flew by throwing a whirlwind of unexpected stuff on my face.
I like tearing everything that happens in my life apart, analysing it all, extracting life lessons and things that I can or cannot keep on doing. The good side is it leads to seeming somewhat mature (when the truth is actually idk wtf im doing welp).
The downside is that it is such a frigging burden.
Especially if we take 2017 into consideration: I did so much out of my comfort zone (hello, moving to Europe!), jumping from one thing to the other, barely processing anything, that in the end of the year, I simply collapsed. I hadn’t ‘dealt with’ aka overanalysed many things and I was overwhelmed by all the junk accumulated in my head. Depression showed its ugliest face and I stayed in bed for days.
Thank goodness Emily came for Christmas and I had a rather nice trip with her to Berlin and Munich. This short break from my life in Düsseldorf and putting some distance between some people and I allowed me to breathe. I talked about everything that was in my head and she shared very thoughtful inputs that prioritised my well-being.
When was the last time I did that? Prioritise my well-being? And if it ain’t me doing that, who the hell will?
Here’s some context: during the couple of years prior to 2017, I developed a lot of empathy.
Thanks to all the events I helped organise at Law school, freelance work and being a member of the student council, I kicked my inner selfish bitch on her guts and slowly started to become a somewhat decent human being. Not everyone has had the privileges I’ve had, they’re bound to think differently. Take everything into consideration before judging someone. Etc. Amen.
Except… Apparently, you’re supposed to balance your I understands with what’s good for you. Heh. Took me the whole year of 2017 to learn that. Every “I understand” said in a toxic relationship killed a little bit of me. Every time I said oh, don’t worry, because I totally see why you’d think/feel/do that after being hurt, I turned against myself.
Heck, I can’t even remember the last time I got angry!
Because I understand so damn much, because I can see how the brain of someone who’s screwed up with me functions, because I take into account how their upbringing was, how their parents are, if they have siblings or not yada yada, it’s just become impossible for me to get angry at people. That really sucks, for when I get angry, I stand up for myself. Sometimes, you just gotta, you know? Bowing down and walking away isn’t always the healthiest option.
For the love of all that is precious to me, in 2018 I want to stand up for myself more often.
Or AT ALL, seeing as I didn’t do that NOT EVEN ONCE in 2017.
Say “No, you screwed up and owe me an apology” sometimes, instead of “It’s okay, I understand why you would do that, I’m not mad” while my heart shatters with hurt and disappointment.
Say “I don’t like it when you do this, and if you keep doing it, I’ll walk away” instead of keeping quiet for I am scared of losing yet another friend when I don’t have that many friends here to being with.
STOP APOLOGISING FOR EVERYTHING BECAUSE NOT EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT!
When I analyse this issue of mine from a really cold perspective, it makes me pissed. Heh. Apparently I can only get angry at myself. Lol. Anyway.
Why am I apologising for every goddamned thing?
I’ve said “I’m sorry I did *a thing* and that it led to you reacting like (insert jerk idiot asshole move here)” so many times this year! As if the person on the other end of the conversation isn’t a grown ass human being capable of controlling their emotions nor being rational about things ???? DEAR SOFIA, PLEASE STOP APOLOGISING FOR EVERYTHING. PLEASE. FFS.
Also, man, oh, man, I want to find my crazy independent and self-sufficient self again. Depression hit me so damn hard in Düsseldorf that the last thing I wanted to be was alone. I didn’t want company to do things, because, duh, I didn’t want to do anything, but I just wanted to be around someone that knew me. Like, maybe read a book next to a friend watching Netflix? Just in case I have a panic attack? And, because of that, I put up with so much crap. Please, dear lil’ me, don’t do that anymore, because you deserve being treated with decency and respect.
So, focusing on my mental health is also one of my priorities.
First thing I’m gonna do after this break in January is find me a g’old therapist and get started on it. Maybe it’ll help me get rid of all the brain junk I have. Or maybe I’ll even get rid of the need to accumulate brain junk so I can go through it all inch by inch “when I have free time” (aka when I have to sleep, which I never do in order to analyse everything).
I think that I went from being a super tough/cold hearted 14y to being the opposite, a mellow weak empath at 22, and living on extremes does not appeal to me. As much as I like to shake things up a bit every now and then, throw things up in the air and move away, balance is still important to me.
Finally, then, I want balance in my 2018.
That time spent alone is balanced out with time spent surrounded by friends. That tears of sadness are not as frequent as tears of joy. That missing someone won’t suffocate me because I will see and be with friends I haven’t seen in a long time. That if I spend any days in bed feeling depressed, they balance out with the days I’ve been productive and happy. That my depression does not cast a shadow so dark on my lil’ self that I don’t even remember what I used to be like anymore. That insomniac nights are compensated by lazy Sundays sleeping in.
Except when it comes to love.
I don’t want balance in that. I want to love more than I did in 2017 – a year that brought me so many great friends. Online and IRL. I want to feel my heart all cozy and warm filled with love for my friends and family like I felt oh so many times in 2017. I don’t care if it bursts and falls into pieces all over the place. Because love is just so worth it.
Oh, and by the way, to those I love – thank you. For making 2017 one of the best years of my life, despite all the drama. For being here for me in 2017. Always. Whenever. Regardless of my mood. I’m so grateful for you.